la de da

well i DIDN'T get to see my parents today. I guess my nephew was really sick, so amy and todd took him to the doctor. they called at the last minute and cancelled. i was SO bumbed. I bought Vince a card to say thanks for "driving" me out there to see my parents and it didn't even happen. That's okay. He was talking to me and said that I should go to michigan to see them. I told him that i'm not. I talked to my dad and he said that because everyone was so sick there that he thinks him and mom are going to get a hotel near milwaukee, so maybe sometime during the week i could get by them. That made me very very happy. I talked to Vince after I got up at 7 pm, he said that he's like to go on tuesday. So when I called my sister to talk to my parents..she was like well their in brookfield. I guess they left and got a hotel already. I talked to my sister and she told me that she was pregnant again! she was going to tell me in michigan, but since i'm not going...she told me on the phone. i called my dad then on the cell phone and i'm going to see them tomorrow morning for breakfast and then on tuesday they'll get to meet the man of my dreams...VINCE!!! I can't wait. tomorrow will be so great because i can get some one on one time with my parents which is what i need so badly. So i guess i was bummed to start out my day and it ended pretty okay. so i'm going off to do work now.

yawn....!

well i am going to see my parents tomorrow. at first i didn't think it was going to work out. my nephew and all the kids that my sister watches came down with this nasty 7 day stomach flu. icky! so i obviously didn't want to go out there. so mom and pop are meeting us half way. it's the first time Vince will get to meet them. I am still bummed out about michigan, but i'll live. this way if I don't get out to arizona in november, i atleast got to see them for the second time this year. it really sucks when the one's you love are so damn far away.work tonight has been kinda hecktic, but i'm surviving. tomorrow night should be a really bad one. one of our regular pharmasist in on vacation so we have other ones filling in for us. stacy has been here the last three nights and she's doing a good job. she got called to a trama/code in er while denis was in picu, so it kinda got a little crazy tonight. i had to page the toxicalogist for one of my cases. i always feel so bad about waking him up. anyway, tomorrow we don't have stacy..so we'll see how things are going to go. i got this beautiful e-mail from a friend of mine named Jeremy today. he's been reading my journal and gives me some hope and encuragement from time to time. i really appreciated it. he's going through some changes and some hefty monsters himself. it's nice when people tell you they care. thanks hon! it means the world. well i don't have too much else to say except that i'm tired and happy i get to see my parents tomorrow. Vince is he most wonderful person on this planet to bring me there to see them. I love that man :) talk to you sooner than later [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i [...] saying.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]well i am going to see my parents tomorrow. at first i didn't think it was going to work out. my nephew and all the kids that my sister watches came down with this nasty 7 day stomach flu. icky! so i obviously didn't want to go out there. so mom and pop are meeting us half way. it's the first time Vince will get to meet them. I am still bummed out about michigan, but i'll live. this way if I don't get out to arizona in november, i atleast got to see them for the second time this year. it really sucks when the one's you love are so damn far away.work tonight has been kinda hecktic, but i'm surviving. tomorrow night should be a really bad one. one of our regular pharmasist in on vacation so we have other ones filling in for us. stacy has been here the last three nights and she's doing a good job. she got called to a trama/code in er while denis was in picu, so it kinda got a little crazy tonight. i had to page the toxicalogist for one of my cases. i always feel so bad about waking him up. anyway, tomorrow we don't have stacy..so we'll see how things are going to go. i got this beautiful e-mail from a friend of mine named Jeremy today. he's been reading my journal and gives me some hope and encuragement from time to time. i really appreciated it. he's going through some changes and some hefty monsters himself. it's nice when people tell you they care. thanks hon! it means the world. well i don't have too much else to say except that i'm tired and happy i get to see my parents tomorrow. Vince is he most wonderful person on this planet to bring me there to see them. I love that man :) talk to you sooner than later <i hate that saying. this guy i used to see always said that and it bugged the hell out of me>

fly, fly, do not fear....

Ever hear a song that just makes you go weak instantly because it reminds you of something or someone. tonight on the way into work i heard the song that ends the video Vince made for his mom's funneral. my bottom lip started quivering and my eyes instantly welted up with tears. It's so hard knowning. I wish sometimes I didn't know what I did. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. Climb up on a pedastal were everything was perfect and loving and not hurting...I wish, I wish, I wish. I think about how lucky I am and then I think about all the things I wish I had. Knowing that I will never get what I always want, but will always have what I need. I'm at such a cross road in my life. Where to go, what to do, how to get there. I know I want to be with Vince, but is that really going to happen. Sometimes I secretely imagine it will. It's like the Jerry Maguire ending were the chick says.."i did this, I pretended it was real." If it doesn't, then i'll move on, but i'm giving so much, i don't want to believe it's something sureal. I'm frustrated. I'm hurting. I'm angry. I'm sad. I don't understand why people we love leave. I don't understand why it's so damn hard to be happy. there are anwsers....but they aren't in this world. I wish to heal the pain. to make her walk again. to wipe away the tears. to comfort her fear. to give her my breath. to hold her hand. so show her i love her. i wish i was dying instead. I wish i could say the right thing to help the moment. to hold him tight. to hold his hand. to help his heart. It's cold here....I have a lot of feelings racing around. I just want them to be okay, for it all to be okay.

whew!

So much has happened since last wednesday. Thursday a bunch of us went to Zoo al a carte. IT SUCKED. Not only was Vince completely stressed to the max but his friend was raggin on him the whole night, then it like fuckign poured on us. Finally I got fed up and told his friend off that was annoying him. We all left and went back to this other guy's house and went in the hot tub. That was cool. It was Angela, Scotty, Vince and I. It was raining outside and we're just chilling in the hot tub. Vince totally relaxed after that. So friday morning I have a doctor's appointment that totally pissed me off. I was suppose to pick up hours at work, but by time I got there they didn't need me. I had so many things I wanted checked by the md and they didn't do anything but talk to me because I was a new patient. I've got to go back in october when they get my medical records sent over. BLAH! Anyway, Saturday was amazing. Vince and I went to his parents early in the morning to drop off breakfast. His mom was up sitting at the kitchen table with her hair and make-up done. We both nearly fainted when we saw her there. She wanted to play dice, so we did and she beet the pants off us all. Then she went to bed. I helped cut the grass on the tractor for the frist time [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<woohoo!>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]So much has happened since last wednesday. Thursday a bunch of us went to Zoo al a carte. IT SUCKED. Not only was Vince completely stressed to the max but his friend was raggin on him the whole night, then it like fuckign poured on us. Finally I got fed up and told his friend off that was annoying him. We all left and went back to this other guy's house and went in the hot tub. That was cool. It was Angela, Scotty, Vince and I. It was raining outside and we're just chilling in the hot tub. Vince totally relaxed after that. So friday morning I have a doctor's appointment that totally pissed me off. I was suppose to pick up hours at work, but by time I got there they didn't need me. I had so many things I wanted checked by the md and they didn't do anything but talk to me because I was a new patient. I've got to go back in october when they get my medical records sent over. BLAH! Anyway, Saturday was amazing. Vince and I went to his parents early in the morning to drop off breakfast. His mom was up sitting at the kitchen table with her hair and make-up done. We both nearly fainted when we saw her there. She wanted to play dice, so we did and she beet the pants off us all. Then she went to bed. I helped cut the grass on the tractor for the frist time <woohoo!> It was fun. Then I went to the basement and recorded a song Carol <Vince's> mom wants at her funneral. When I was done she was up, so I played the tape back to her. She was pleased. Then we put her in the wheelchair and took her outside. She got to see how we cut the grass and how beautiful the yard was. We picked flowers and roller her around the yard and played with bubbles. I couldn't believe it. It was just too amazing to put to words. Then she went to lay down for a nap and Vince and I left with happier hearts. It's one of the first time we left smiling. Sunday Carol woke up all disoriented. She didn't know anyone or what was going on. She woke up screaming "I'M DYING!" It was really frightening. It's as if the cancer seeped into her brain that night. It's so sad. That night I cooked Vince a big steak dinner. I cut his grass and helped him with some stone. I let him take more pictures of me. <giggles> Monday I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, windows, the fridge, garbage. I just didn't want Vince to worry about anything. I met him at the accademy and we went to his parents. Tuesday SUCKED! I met Vince at the accademy and he was getting a game of horse together with the guys. His buddy that I got into the fight with was there. Vince licked them all and we left. I talked to him about michigan and decided that we weren't going. I know he wants me to, but I just can't. I can't bare the thought of being there without him. But I know I need to see my parents too. I'm SO torn. I lost it. I had such a bad headache and he was in such a crappy mood. I called my parents that night and told them I wasn't coming. I lost it on the phone. I just can't be strong all the time. Sometimes I need to get out what I have to say and feel too. I feel very stretched thin and in the middle of everything. I'm constantly feeling like i'm letting everyone down all the time. I miss my parents and was looking forward to this SO much. Bu I can see them some other time. Right now I need to do what's best for Vince and his family. I went to cedarburg that day too. I needed to find out if Liz was really dead, so I went to the cemetary. Sure enough real life tradic romeo and juliet story, burried side by side. lovers for eternal life. i still have no words for that.... So this morning I woke up still down and pissed off. I left early and went home. I needed to be alone. I walked into a huge mess at my apartment. What does my roomate do? I'm so fucking tired of cleaning up after people! <screams> I sobbed as I did her dishes and vacuumed and picked up cat hair and scrubbed the bathroom and gathered garbage. I screamed at the cats and felt better, then fell alseep for awhile. Vince called and woke me up. He's taking comp time in the morning so we can do breakfast. It's sweet of him. I do love that man with all my heart and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes i need to learn not to throw him up on such a high pedastal that even I can't reach him. It will get better, we are all just suffering, and it makes me lose ground and faith, and it makes me very angry, but I understand it's not in my hands. I will obey the force in which I can not see, and continue to ask for His hand in mercy. Now i'm at work. i'm tired. I want to go to bed. i need a new job. i feel stuck...waiting...waiting...waiting.