whew!

So much has happened since last wednesday. Thursday a bunch of us went to Zoo al a carte. IT SUCKED. Not only was Vince completely stressed to the max but his friend was raggin on him the whole night, then it like fuckign poured on us. Finally I got fed up and told his friend off that was annoying him. We all left and went back to this other guy's house and went in the hot tub. That was cool. It was Angela, Scotty, Vince and I. It was raining outside and we're just chilling in the hot tub. Vince totally relaxed after that. So friday morning I have a doctor's appointment that totally pissed me off. I was suppose to pick up hours at work, but by time I got there they didn't need me. I had so many things I wanted checked by the md and they didn't do anything but talk to me because I was a new patient. I've got to go back in october when they get my medical records sent over. BLAH! Anyway, Saturday was amazing. Vince and I went to his parents early in the morning to drop off breakfast. His mom was up sitting at the kitchen table with her hair and make-up done. We both nearly fainted when we saw her there. She wanted to play dice, so we did and she beet the pants off us all. Then she went to bed. I helped cut the grass on the tractor for the frist time [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<woohoo!>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]So much has happened since last wednesday. Thursday a bunch of us went to Zoo al a carte. IT SUCKED. Not only was Vince completely stressed to the max but his friend was raggin on him the whole night, then it like fuckign poured on us. Finally I got fed up and told his friend off that was annoying him. We all left and went back to this other guy's house and went in the hot tub. That was cool. It was Angela, Scotty, Vince and I. It was raining outside and we're just chilling in the hot tub. Vince totally relaxed after that. So friday morning I have a doctor's appointment that totally pissed me off. I was suppose to pick up hours at work, but by time I got there they didn't need me. I had so many things I wanted checked by the md and they didn't do anything but talk to me because I was a new patient. I've got to go back in october when they get my medical records sent over. BLAH! Anyway, Saturday was amazing. Vince and I went to his parents early in the morning to drop off breakfast. His mom was up sitting at the kitchen table with her hair and make-up done. We both nearly fainted when we saw her there. She wanted to play dice, so we did and she beet the pants off us all. Then she went to bed. I helped cut the grass on the tractor for the frist time <woohoo!> It was fun. Then I went to the basement and recorded a song Carol <Vince's> mom wants at her funneral. When I was done she was up, so I played the tape back to her. She was pleased. Then we put her in the wheelchair and took her outside. She got to see how we cut the grass and how beautiful the yard was. We picked flowers and roller her around the yard and played with bubbles. I couldn't believe it. It was just too amazing to put to words. Then she went to lay down for a nap and Vince and I left with happier hearts. It's one of the first time we left smiling. Sunday Carol woke up all disoriented. She didn't know anyone or what was going on. She woke up screaming "I'M DYING!" It was really frightening. It's as if the cancer seeped into her brain that night. It's so sad. That night I cooked Vince a big steak dinner. I cut his grass and helped him with some stone. I let him take more pictures of me. <giggles> Monday I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, windows, the fridge, garbage. I just didn't want Vince to worry about anything. I met him at the accademy and we went to his parents. Tuesday SUCKED! I met Vince at the accademy and he was getting a game of horse together with the guys. His buddy that I got into the fight with was there. Vince licked them all and we left. I talked to him about michigan and decided that we weren't going. I know he wants me to, but I just can't. I can't bare the thought of being there without him. But I know I need to see my parents too. I'm SO torn. I lost it. I had such a bad headache and he was in such a crappy mood. I called my parents that night and told them I wasn't coming. I lost it on the phone. I just can't be strong all the time. Sometimes I need to get out what I have to say and feel too. I feel very stretched thin and in the middle of everything. I'm constantly feeling like i'm letting everyone down all the time. I miss my parents and was looking forward to this SO much. Bu I can see them some other time. Right now I need to do what's best for Vince and his family. I went to cedarburg that day too. I needed to find out if Liz was really dead, so I went to the cemetary. Sure enough real life tradic romeo and juliet story, burried side by side. lovers for eternal life. i still have no words for that.... So this morning I woke up still down and pissed off. I left early and went home. I needed to be alone. I walked into a huge mess at my apartment. What does my roomate do? I'm so fucking tired of cleaning up after people! <screams> I sobbed as I did her dishes and vacuumed and picked up cat hair and scrubbed the bathroom and gathered garbage. I screamed at the cats and felt better, then fell alseep for awhile. Vince called and woke me up. He's taking comp time in the morning so we can do breakfast. It's sweet of him. I do love that man with all my heart and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes i need to learn not to throw him up on such a high pedastal that even I can't reach him. It will get better, we are all just suffering, and it makes me lose ground and faith, and it makes me very angry, but I understand it's not in my hands. I will obey the force in which I can not see, and continue to ask for His hand in mercy. Now i'm at work. i'm tired. I want to go to bed. i need a new job. i feel stuck...waiting...waiting...waiting.