fly, fly, do not fear....

Ever hear a song that just makes you go weak instantly because it reminds you of something or someone. tonight on the way into work i heard the song that ends the video Vince made for his mom's funneral. my bottom lip started quivering and my eyes instantly welted up with tears. It's so hard knowning. I wish sometimes I didn't know what I did. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. Climb up on a pedastal were everything was perfect and loving and not hurting...I wish, I wish, I wish. I think about how lucky I am and then I think about all the things I wish I had. Knowing that I will never get what I always want, but will always have what I need. I'm at such a cross road in my life. Where to go, what to do, how to get there. I know I want to be with Vince, but is that really going to happen. Sometimes I secretely imagine it will. It's like the Jerry Maguire ending were the chick says.."i did this, I pretended it was real." If it doesn't, then i'll move on, but i'm giving so much, i don't want to believe it's something sureal. I'm frustrated. I'm hurting. I'm angry. I'm sad. I don't understand why people we love leave. I don't understand why it's so damn hard to be happy. there are anwsers....but they aren't in this world. I wish to heal the pain. to make her walk again. to wipe away the tears. to comfort her fear. to give her my breath. to hold her hand. so show her i love her. i wish i was dying instead. I wish i could say the right thing to help the moment. to hold him tight. to hold his hand. to help his heart. It's cold here....I have a lot of feelings racing around. I just want them to be okay, for it all to be okay.