blah!

First of all, i'd like to thank the responses that I got from my last journal entry. it means a lot to me that people out there care. I feel a little lonely and stuck and if feels SO good when people hold out hands to hold. thank you thank you thank you!I was sick from work AGAIN last night. i woke up puking again and needless to say I don't ever want to take amoxicillin, i'd rather of dealt with the pissing razor blades :( And by the way ang..thank you so much for helping. you are the biggest sweetheart i've ever met. love you babe! (hugs)So I waited and waited and waited and then broke down. I called him around 11 or so. things were akward and silent. i blurted out "did i do anything, are you mad at me, what's going on?" all at once. diarrehea of the mouth and brain (icky icky icky) he's like "no, my mom just took a turn for the worse and i'm having a hard time dealing with it." i felt like an ass. i explained to him how i felt and how scared i was. he was just so distant, it ripped me apart. after a akward conversation i hung up and balled my eyes out. i was tired, sick, hurting, confused, and emtionally drained. mandy came home this morning. for some reason i wasn't expecting her til tuesday. i was going to munster up strength and clean today, but she came home and saw that i had trashed the place instead. i felt like an ass. it sucked. though i don't feel so bad because she's not that cleanly of a roomate and she left the place a sty. anyway...vince called around 11am. i was terrified to pick up the phone. he was better sounded. i felt better too. he was going to do some house work and head off to his parents. he invited me out for breakfast last night, but i declined on the fact that i've spent the past 5 days puking off and on. i talked to him more about what i was feeling. like i was going to end up losing him too. he told me to knock it off. (i totally deserved it too) it's like the last thing he needs. i spent the rest of the day studying and watching steven king movies. i called vince to see how his mom was when i got to work. he said really bad. she can't make sense of anything. she's really confused and when she tries to speak she can't make out the words. this frustrates her. she's refusing her meds now too, which she really needs to relax her. he said that all he could do today was look at her and cry. i just want to scoop him up in my arms to much right now. i think i'm going to try to surprise him tomorrow and see if i can go with him to his parents house before i go to work. i have to record a song for his mom's funneral. since it seems so close, we should get that done. I love this man SO much. and i know that things will be different. that right now he can't give everything he has. i will try to be more christian and patient, and understanding, and not jealous. for i have no reason to feel other wise but blessed for the people i have around me and in my life. i never thought that i'd even met his mom. it has been a priveledge and honnor to met her and his family. i think i'm at a point were i'm at terms with everything or coming to term with everything. i'm very scared and i think it's because even though i've dealt with a lot of people i've lost, they all died unexpectidly. i'm angry because i don't understand. i feel lost because even though i know God is with me, i feel that i'm not being heard...i know better than that though. i don't doubt. i just need a little reassurance every once in awhile.alrighty..i'm going to go toxical some cases. talk at you later.

i dunno what to say....

ever have that feeling like you are trying too hard at something. that you want it so much, so badly you push it away further and further. I know this is worth it, I know things will get better, but why do i feel the way i do? what is wrong with me?! I feel so damn selfish that I'd want to take a moment for myself. I feel like screaming, "don't you realize i'm living this life beside you, sacraficing everything i know, and giving you all i have to give" ever give SO much that you feel like "okay now what?" I just feel like i'm being pushed away. so...i'll push away too. maybe that's his way of dealing with it. i'm not going over there in the morning and i'm not going to call to see if he will. i'm not angry or upset, but i feel like maybe he needs the time and space and that's okay too. He had a shity day at work. the computer hard drive crashed at work. he lost everything, including the video he's been working on for over a year for his mom's funeral. he's got a rough copy of it, but there were still a lot of changes to be made on it. he wanted to add one picture in particular with me and his family in it. All the other pictures have suzanne in them. plus he had other fin tuning to do. now he might not be able to retrive any of it. all his hard work just gone. I can't believe he'd just save it to the hard drive. i just can't believe that he wouldn't back that up. i hope so much that he can get that back. he was short with me on the phone for the past few days..i was like..okay..i'll talk to you some other time then. that sucks. man i'm SO selfish. sometimes i wish i wouldn't take things so damn personally. why am I so insecure. i blame brad for it all..but should i be looking inward instead? yea i dated a lying cheating backstabing no good spinless bastard for 5 years. everything that ever came out of that guy was a lie. he cheated so many times..and i kept going back. yea i am insecure...but he's this wonderful guy that it could be SO great with. am I creating stress there because that's what i'm used to? He's just so sensitive about things and so am I..ad combination? I try so hard to be patient and just go along with whatever he wants and needs and don't put much regard in my needs or wants..but i'm burning thin. i just don't want him to freak out in the end and say..this won't work out. I don't think it will happen though...he says he loves me. he says i make him happy, that he wouldn't be able to get through all this with out me. I know that i'm important to him. i just hope he knows how desperately i love him back. i try to show it all the time..maybe its and over kill. i'm so pathetic. i'll give him the space and let him make the call..ball's in his court. ...i hate waiting. I prayed that God would make me stronger, and he gave me problems to make me strong. I pray that God would help me be more patient, and I'm waiting for anwsers. I'm waiting for death, I'm waiting for understanding, I'm waiting to see if all this is what truly is meant to be. I need guidence. I'm afraid. I want to change time and I can't. So what if I marry him. he'll never have that moment with his mom to say "she's the one i'm going to marry, i'm going to ask for her hand" She said a few weeks ago, "when you get married I want to be there...put a rose next to your father in my rememberance" I cried so hard. the last night i was there Vince held his mom as she said "i'm so proud of you" His powerful arms wrapped around her frail bended body. I kissed her and said how lucky i was and how blessed i was to know her and her family. how lucky i was to be loved by him. she said "stop, i'm going to cry..and I can't cry." she'll never know our children. she'll never come over and nag me about the house not being clean enough, or the way i cook something. it's not fair. we talk about marriage, but then it's so two sided. he's retiring in 16 years. he's not quite ready to settle down. but seems that he's never been alone. "should I kix up the house?" he asks, "or save it to build what I want in 16 years" "i wanna travel the country when I retire" "i'd be missing out if i didn't get married and have kids" "i don't want to take you away from you life" i just don't know what to think. i want a future with him. i just hope that he wants the same. i need to stop thinking....ughghgh.i'm going to do work. i should be doing that anyway.

ack!

Okay...I know i haven't updated in a long time with anything of substance, but i was off for a week and then I got sick, so i went home early and missed one night, so i'm sorry for all of you just clinging to the edge of your seats to hear about my wonderfully facinating life...NOT!Alrighty..anyway. Last weekend was AMAZING! Vince and I went to Michigan. traffic was great, we relaxed in the sun, went water skiing, tubing, swiming, we drank, we ate, we snuggled, i got the mom and dad dose I needed, i got to meet my niece and see all the other relatives i've missed so much, it just fucking rocked! I was sad to leave though, and coming back sucked. I was tired, didn't feel like driving, pissed my parents were leaving, and sad that we didn't get to spend more time out there. Vince and I got into it and didn't speak 1/2 of michigan, through indiana, all through chicago, and most of illionois. *I get very very quiet when i'm angry, then i throw things* finally he leaned over and kissed me and we talked about it. the rest of the weekend was great. we went to his mom's the next day. It was cold out! We grabbed sweat shirts and snuggled up on the recliner outside in the sun and fell alseep. that moment was so perfect! then we cut the grass and Vince cleaned out my car for me *swoons* The rest of the week went down hill. I got sick with a bladder infection. my first and hopefully last ever. i do not enjoy pissing like razors and peeing blood every 2 seconds. not only that but i spent last night puking my brains out. i'm not enjoying this at all! hopefully it will be gone soon. So my storage key saga continues. Assholes from my management company decide to cut our lock off our storage unit and put their own on there and then charge us. um..dickheads..we've had that for the last year and a half and you are just doing something about it now! So i need to get in there. and for the past three weeks i have been calling to stupid idoits at this rental company telling them i need the key. first they were going to put it under the door, then they mailed us something saying here is the key, send us your check..but NO FUCKING KEY! then i called and said, hey i'll bring the check in the morning you give me the key. then they called back saying, oh..sorry mr. dickhead is on vacation til monday, we'll call back then. UUUGGHHHH!!!! i'm just going to cut off their lock and say look, i've been telling you for three weeks now i needed that key like oh say last fricken month. i'm pissed. what if carol dies...how the heck am i going to give here that angel or get my dress out of there for her funeral? Okay i feel better now...i'm going to go toxical some cases and come back. there is a lot more i wanna say.

I don't like peeing in a cup!

ICUP! I have bladder infection..possibly kidney stones. I WANT TO DIE! it hurts SOOOOO bad. I'm done with the list so i'm going to bug out of here early...i hope. I have so much to write, but my bladder won't let me type long. (sobs) (doing the pee pee dance)

going home....

One more hour....yay! i hate the morning crew here, so i'm trying to hide. Shh...! well i took a poison case and of course they needed to go to the er. the girl would hardly tell me anything on the phone. then a few hours later, paratech ambulance calls me and i got more info and AGAIN advised to go to er. they showed up in house up stairs. (for everyone that doesn't know what that means...in house means our hospital, were located in the basement of children's hospital in the pharmacy) i went up to er to re-stock and talked with the paramedics. funny how people don't listen t your advise. they just call wanted to hear.."it'll be okay" and when we say "no, it's not okay," people freak out. i like the power of my job, i just wish i made more. well i've gotta fly. gotta sleep and do laundryand sometime today meet up with the Vinman. Okayloveyoububye. ....i really need to get more sleep.

people in wisconsin scare me

alrighty...i work in the poison control center. i save lives, i laugh with people, at them when their not on the phone too, i get creepy calls all the time, and i hear from plan ass lunitics. no relation to the crazy freaks like myselftonight i get this call from this guy asking for the address of the poison center. the conversation went some what like this:me: poison center can I help you?dude: i need the poison centerme: this is the poison center, can I help you?dude: i need the nearest poison center.me: what city are you calling from sir?dude: milwaukeeme: this is milwaukee, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?dude: what's the address?me: why do you need the address sir?dude: because I need to come there.me: sir we do not treat people here, we triage them to find out how serious their exposure and direct them to the nearest health facility if they need medical attention. do you think you have been poisoned?dude: i would not be able to tell that.me: what are you symtpoms?dude: i would not know that.me: have you been exposed to something?dude: thank you and hangs up and okay dude has really scary serial killer voice and the whole time i'm thinking..oh shit they found me. just kidding but hey it was the freakiest call i've ever gotten. and by the way if you are going to have anal sex, DON'T use body wash as a lubricant. shakes her head sadlyI was feeling really icky when I came to work, but a pop tart later and i don't feel as crappy. Alrighty the big awaited moment FINALLY happened today. Vince ACTUALLY met the rents today. I was nervous for him and them. It was cool everything went well. My mom brought up his mom right away. He's was appreciative of that. We were talking later, and he told me that he doesn't like when people avoid the topic, especially when they know. I just wasn't expecting my mom to bring it up right away. Then we talked about traffic and traveling and weather and all that small talk bullshit. It was good. I think they really liked him and he seemed to like them too. he eve told them maybe we WILL go to michigan for a day on the weekend. I'm really not going to get my hopes up though. I got e-mail from from friend Dave tonight. he just set up a new web page. i hit the site and found links to a lot of other people I know. it was cool kinda seeing what they are all doing after high school and shit. It's cool that people are actaully going out and following their dreams. I'd be doing that if i had the money. i'm just on hold for a little while. i'll do it though. everyone around me is getting engaged though..that's kinda wierd. well i'm going to go for now. maybe i'll right more later. if not probably talk to you in a week. laterz........

ack!

I finally got to see my parents. I got there and no more than two minutes they were at each other's throats. Both of them were as mean as they come...i was thinking..why the hell do i break my neck to see them if they are going to be like this? Anyway, Vince and I are meeting them for lunch today. Well see how they are. I got great pictures of my niece and nephew. I swear I'm related to the most beautiful family in the world. [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<yes [...] i'm>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]I finally got to see my parents. I got there and no more than two minutes they were at each other's throats. Both of them were as mean as they come...i was thinking..why the hell do i break my neck to see them if they are going to be like this? Anyway, Vince and I are meeting them for lunch today. Well see how they are. I got great pictures of my niece and nephew. I swear I'm related to the most beautiful family in the world. <yes i'm bias> One more night of hell! I'm going to try to find another job this week. i have to get some more money. my dad is going to help out on my insurance payment. i finally sent my car payment. hopefully the bank will unfreeze my account. I wanted to get my roomate something for her b-day, but they wouldn't take my check <pouts> I do have some money in there..it just all needs to go to bills. i'm so tired of being stressed out about money though. maybe if I become a stripper for a few weeks, i'll catch up and then i can quit <NOT!> people would pay me to put my clothes on. The other night this man at the hospital commented on my shoes. i KNOW he's got to have a foot thing. I was secretely dying inside. I just wanted to blurt out "do you want to suck them and be my foot slave" luckily i didn't though. A lot of guys notice my feet. I never knew just how many of them out there like toes until i met Vince. And let me tell you women..you haven't lived until you've made a grown man crawl to you in order to suck on your toes. Ahh...the power of being a woman :) So have you ever farted out of your crotch? It's a wierd thing. Just thought I'd tell you that. <laughs all embarrassed> I wrote Carol a poem today. it's really hard because i'm so down, but want to be hopefully. it's like listening to the teletubbies theme song when all you really want to do is bash your head into the wall. I have a lot of mixed up feelings. i'm so stressed out. i'm happy but i'm not. i think once i greive the death of Carol and things kinda get back to normal and i'm a little more finacially secure i'll be fine. i'm just afraid of how Vince will react after his mom is gone. If he's going to pull away or if we'll be stronger. i'd be devestated if things went differetly. there is so much i want to show him. <sigh> I did have a whole boat load of stuff i wanted to say..but i'm brain dead at the moment. I actually got sleep and look what it does to me. go figure. blah. anway..peace..i'm outie!