Thursday, August 16, 2007
i dunno what to say....
ever have that feeling like you are trying too hard at something. that you want it so much, so badly you push it away further and further. I know this is worth it, I know things will get better, but why do i feel the way i do? what is wrong with me?! I feel so damn selfish that I'd want to take a moment for myself. I feel like screaming, "don't you realize i'm living this life beside you, sacraficing everything i know, and giving you all i have to give" ever give SO much that you feel like "okay now what?" I just feel like i'm being pushed away. so...i'll push away too. maybe that's his way of dealing with it. i'm not going over there in the morning and i'm not going to call to see if he will. i'm not angry or upset, but i feel like maybe he needs the time and space and that's okay too. He had a shity day at work. the computer hard drive crashed at work. he lost everything, including the video he's been working on for over a year for his mom's funeral. he's got a rough copy of it, but there were still a lot of changes to be made on it. he wanted to add one picture in particular with me and his family in it. All the other pictures have suzanne in them. plus he had other fin tuning to do. now he might not be able to retrive any of it. all his hard work just gone. I can't believe he'd just save it to the hard drive. i just can't believe that he wouldn't back that up. i hope so much that he can get that back. he was short with me on the phone for the past few days..i was like..okay..i'll talk to you some other time then. that sucks. man i'm SO selfish. sometimes i wish i wouldn't take things so damn personally. why am I so insecure. i blame brad for it all..but should i be looking inward instead? yea i dated a lying cheating backstabing no good spinless bastard for 5 years. everything that ever came out of that guy was a lie. he cheated so many times..and i kept going back. yea i am insecure...but he's this wonderful guy that it could be SO great with. am I creating stress there because that's what i'm used to? He's just so sensitive about things and so am I..ad combination? I try so hard to be patient and just go along with whatever he wants and needs and don't put much regard in my needs or wants..but i'm burning thin. i just don't want him to freak out in the end and say..this won't work out. I don't think it will happen though...he says he loves me. he says i make him happy, that he wouldn't be able to get through all this with out me. I know that i'm important to him. i just hope he knows how desperately i love him back. i try to show it all the time..maybe its and over kill. i'm so pathetic. i'll give him the space and let him make the call..ball's in his court. ...i hate waiting. I prayed that God would make me stronger, and he gave me problems to make me strong. I pray that God would help me be more patient, and I'm waiting for anwsers. I'm waiting for death, I'm waiting for understanding, I'm waiting to see if all this is what truly is meant to be. I need guidence. I'm afraid. I want to change time and I can't. So what if I marry him. he'll never have that moment with his mom to say "she's the one i'm going to marry, i'm going to ask for her hand" She said a few weeks ago, "when you get married I want to be there...put a rose next to your father in my rememberance" I cried so hard. the last night i was there Vince held his mom as she said "i'm so proud of you" His powerful arms wrapped around her frail bended body. I kissed her and said how lucky i was and how blessed i was to know her and her family. how lucky i was to be loved by him. she said "stop, i'm going to cry..and I can't cry." she'll never know our children. she'll never come over and nag me about the house not being clean enough, or the way i cook something. it's not fair. we talk about marriage, but then it's so two sided. he's retiring in 16 years. he's not quite ready to settle down. but seems that he's never been alone. "should I kix up the house?" he asks, "or save it to build what I want in 16 years" "i wanna travel the country when I retire" "i'd be missing out if i didn't get married and have kids" "i don't want to take you away from you life" i just don't know what to think. i want a future with him. i just hope that he wants the same. i need to stop thinking....ughghgh.i'm going to do work. i should be doing that anyway.
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4 comments:
That's what happens after a bad break up. You feel insecure, angry at them for making you feel that way, and sad that you let yourself get into the whole mess in the first place. But, eventually you get over it, and become a stronger person. I've been through it. It's a hard way to learn to know who you should keep in your life and who you shouldn't, but you never forget that lesson.And, as for Vince's mom, maybe he's already told her that, or at least that he loves you a lot. Just because she's leaving her physical form on this planet doesn't mean that she won't be there to see what happens, see your children, or nag you about things. You know those thoughts that you get like "I wonder what so-and-so would have thought about this," or "She/he would have hated this mess, food, etc., etc.," sometimes those thoughts come from the people that you are thinking about, dead or alive. So, don't worry, she'll be there and she'll love you even though you can't see her.Love ya, sweetie, bye.
I had a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He made me feel wonderful for five minutes during the day and then the rest of the time he'd treat me like shit. I'd spend the day wishing that five minutes would come back and chase him around just waiting for it. I had SO many insecurities as a result of dating him for several years, and I thought I'd never break free of them. He'd push...I'd chase...I felt pathetic too. You aren't pathetic at all. I know what you mean, too, about feeling like you're creating stress that isn't there. I did that exact same thing with the guy I dated ( and am still with ) after the asshole ex. I'd come up with all these awful thoughts and situations that were NOT going to happen with the new man just because they happened with the old one. I know exactly how hard it is to break out of that shit, but you can do it. You sound like a strong woman, so I have complete faith.
Angie...i just have to say what a wonderful relief it is to have you in my life. you have been SO supportive these past few months. you are such a sweet heart (and Vince thinks so too, not just because you have nice toes either!) haha. i'm so glad that we have gotten the chance to know each other and I promise (solemly do swear) that when things are better and not icky like they are now, we will be doing a hell of a lot more together. it's about time things settled down...i'm really not a crazy psycho bitch..honest :) i love you girl! wouldn't be able to make it day to day without U! btw-like the mr.yuck face!?!
thank you so much for your kind words. sometimes it's easy to lose faith or think that you are weak. i'm usually okay, but every once in awhile have the need to cry, scream, and break things :) usually i channel it in a possitive way, lately it's been difficult to fully express myself. i'm sorry that you were also in a bad relationship, and even though it was hard to do and i'm still rebuilding my love and emotions, the moment i was free from him I won my life back. i'm happy that you got out of it. women really do put up with too much bullshit. be strong hon! and good luck with all you do.
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