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First of all, i'd like to thank the responses that I got from my last journal entry. it means a lot to me that people out there care. I feel a little lonely and stuck and if feels SO good when people hold out hands to hold. thank you thank you thank you!I was sick from work AGAIN last night. i woke up puking again and needless to say I don't ever want to take amoxicillin, i'd rather of dealt with the pissing razor blades :( And by the way ang..thank you so much for helping. you are the biggest sweetheart i've ever met. love you babe! (hugs)So I waited and waited and waited and then broke down. I called him around 11 or so. things were akward and silent. i blurted out "did i do anything, are you mad at me, what's going on?" all at once. diarrehea of the mouth and brain (icky icky icky) he's like "no, my mom just took a turn for the worse and i'm having a hard time dealing with it." i felt like an ass. i explained to him how i felt and how scared i was. he was just so distant, it ripped me apart. after a akward conversation i hung up and balled my eyes out. i was tired, sick, hurting, confused, and emtionally drained. mandy came home this morning. for some reason i wasn't expecting her til tuesday. i was going to munster up strength and clean today, but she came home and saw that i had trashed the place instead. i felt like an ass. it sucked. though i don't feel so bad because she's not that cleanly of a roomate and she left the place a sty. anyway...vince called around 11am. i was terrified to pick up the phone. he was better sounded. i felt better too. he was going to do some house work and head off to his parents. he invited me out for breakfast last night, but i declined on the fact that i've spent the past 5 days puking off and on. i talked to him more about what i was feeling. like i was going to end up losing him too. he told me to knock it off. (i totally deserved it too) it's like the last thing he needs. i spent the rest of the day studying and watching steven king movies. i called vince to see how his mom was when i got to work. he said really bad. she can't make sense of anything. she's really confused and when she tries to speak she can't make out the words. this frustrates her. she's refusing her meds now too, which she really needs to relax her. he said that all he could do today was look at her and cry. i just want to scoop him up in my arms to much right now. i think i'm going to try to surprise him tomorrow and see if i can go with him to his parents house before i go to work. i have to record a song for his mom's funneral. since it seems so close, we should get that done. I love this man SO much. and i know that things will be different. that right now he can't give everything he has. i will try to be more christian and patient, and understanding, and not jealous. for i have no reason to feel other wise but blessed for the people i have around me and in my life. i never thought that i'd even met his mom. it has been a priveledge and honnor to met her and his family. i think i'm at a point were i'm at terms with everything or coming to term with everything. i'm very scared and i think it's because even though i've dealt with a lot of people i've lost, they all died unexpectidly. i'm angry because i don't understand. i feel lost because even though i know God is with me, i feel that i'm not being heard...i know better than that though. i don't doubt. i just need a little reassurance every once in awhile.alrighty..i'm going to go toxical some cases. talk at you later.