sugar...

i've eaten so much crap! i wish they didn't have candy here. i'm waiting for my sugar coma any moment now. funny thing is that i'm always thinking in my head shit i wanna write in my journal and then i get to the keyboard and you'd swear I was a natural born blonde. i'm like space comando. i've actually been like that all week. i've been catching myself at work. little mistakes..it's like ..shit i know better. i keep singing over and over in my head "if you only had a brain" from the wizard of oz. speaking of which..anyone ever do the wizard of floyd? i think you are suppose to be high when you do it and sense i don't do those kinda drugs...it was really stupid. however i really like pink floyd, so i'm not putting down the music at all. the wizard of oz was my favorite movie when i was a kid. i have the record soundtrack. it used to scare me though..the wicked witch of the west would laugh in there and it was just freaky. speaking of witches...halloween is coming up and i don't know what to do. thinking dominatrix..but it's just too damn easy. i really wouldn't be dressing up. also speaking of which ( the other one now) i did put that spike collar in dennis's (my 3rd shift pharmasist) drawer. he hasn't noticed it yet but he'll roll when he finds it. i can't wait to get him so bad! la la la..i wanna go to bed now. i think the sugar is making me more tired that awake. plus all that candy isn't good for you. i'm starting to eat like vince. (sighs) maybe instead of going to my thighs, it will go to my boobs for once and i'll actually start looking like a woman! just kidding. anyway. i've got some more old pics that are better. there just there temporarily until i can get my page up and more pics scanned. go to http://spesh00.homestead.com there my senior pics. i was 17. man i feel old now. alright nighterz ya all.

i wish...

if i had a computer at home..i'd never leave the house. i'd become this computer junky. i sneak into the poison center when it's slow and play around. tonight i started designing my new webpage. i'm frustrated because i don't have the time i'd really like to put into it. I find something that's cool and then want to put other stuff on it. downfall of perfectionism. anyway.. my roommate and I just completely avoid the whole subject of...hey you were naked with my brother in bed the other night. i didn't say anything and neither did she. it was wierd, but we were comparing jewerly and shit. she went out with her girlfriend for drinks tonight. i wish i didn't have to work. sounded fun. atleast it is a slow night. I should get pictures back from my trip to michigan (i know FINALLY) i've been bugging the vinman to get those developed. i try not to get on his case about anything though. we went to cedarburg this past weekend and used up the film. he dropped it off, but never made it back to pick it up. he said he'd have them for me tommorrow morning. i hope so. there should be a lot of nice pictures on there :) My other girlfriend Anjie called tonight. (not Angela=pebbles) she was coming home from the bars. wanted to know if i wanted to late lunch tommorrow. i'll probably want to sleep. though...i slept 12 hours today. sometimes my body just crashes. stress has a lot to do with it. plus i'm just constantly going, going, going. this week seems short. i think because it's so chopped up. I'm kinda freaking about the wedding this weekend. i don't know what to wear. i have a lot of things and dresses and stuff, but it just seems that i'd be over dressed. the dress i SHOULD wear i'm wearing to carol's funneral...so i already have that put aside. hell if i know. vince isn't even wearing a tie (pouts) Men take a hint from a female, you guys look SO damn YUMMY! when you dress up. good enough to lick,tackle, tie up, and well...use your imagination. hell you guys always thought i was in music because i liked it :) orcestras full of guys in tuxes. (drool!) Anyway, i gotta do some work. i've been playing too long. they are starting to wonder out there. look for a web page coming soon. Thanx Ed for the hint! Your a peach. love ya babe!

icky, icky, icky

um...things you never want to see in your life, is one of your family members having sex. isn't just my luck that my brother decided to sleep over last night in my roomate's bed. and even more embarrassing is that i had company when i came home. i don't think i wanna live there anymore if there are going to be seeing each other. my bed is 2 feet away from her's. there are no walls..no doors..i don't bring my b/f over there to sleep because it's akward, so i don't expect her to do it to me in return. vince said i could move in with him, but we decided that wouldn't be a good idea. i won't until there is a ring on my finger. and he said that if we do get married, living together now might spoil it for later. i dunno. i had kinda of a mixed up week. i've worked day shifts these last two days. tomorrow i go back to nights. if carol doesn't die before this weekend, vince's ex is getting married this sunday. we're supposed to be going out of town for that. his mom is getting so bad now. they are basically pushing her into a drug induced coma until she passes because she's SO aggitated. it's so sad. vince's isn't handling it well at all. angela's grandma just died too. i feel so bad for her. we went out for dinner and drinks last night. it was nice to get away. well vince just called and wanted to know if i wanted to head his way for dinner and to watch the women's finals for gymnastics tonight. so...i'm going to bug out. i'll catch you tomorrow night on the darkside.

soup is good food...and there is no more left

at night there is a snack shop at the hospital. it's generally opened 23 hours a day. they usually have soup there, and it's not just soup 80% of the time, it's fantasmic soup. it's healthy, tastey, soup! well i'm just mifted. kinda still feeling icky, i thought, hell soup would be a nice treat. it was chicken noodle. it was almost gone at 11pm. so i ventured up there around 2am because rumor had it, they replaced the soup and it was full now. guess what...it was gone, but not only that but two security gaurd from the ajoining (big people's hospital as we call it) were there and one of the ladies that works in the snack shop set aside to bowls for them. WHY!? should people that don't work here get piority? just curious. i'll live with out soup, but why do people get such special attention. it's like you have to have a "snack shop connection" in order to get food around there. it just baffles me. okay enough about the soup tangent. tonight has been a really quiet night. steady but not a fricken war zone like last night. Ahh...it feels good! last couple of hours. i was feeling motivated before, thinking about all the stuff i wana do today. don't know if i'll sleep yet. I still need to record that song for Vince's mom, but i need his equipment for it. i kinda wanted to cook and clean today. just call me susie home maker. my friends used to call me betty crocker because i was the only one that like and knew how to cook. not only that but i used to do it completely ripped out of my mind after bar time. my friend mel was completely impressed. i almost forgot to tell ya i finally got my storage key. (cheers) i guess my bitchy letter worked. I got my dress out of there so i can get it dry cleaned before the funneral. plus i'm suppose to go to a wedding next weekend (if carol doesn't die) and all my dresses are in there. I couldn't find the angel though. i still had some supplies to make them, but i duno if i am or not. she's so confused, i duno if she'll really be able to appreciate it. maybe i'll make it after she dies and put in on her grave. i wanna see angela (pebbles) tomorrow. i just have this need to do something. i think it's because i've been sick and working all week. i'm restless. i kinda wanna go out dancing too. i haven't been out in SO long. it just doesn't feel right with all that's going on. it's hard to relax and stuff. but i kinda just wanna go and lose myself in the music. let myself go for awhile. dancing is such a sexual powerful thing to me. i think it's because of my love and undying passion for music. it's just SO sensual. cage dancing would be the perfect job for me. no stripping, just dancing. and i'd be protected, no slimely guys slamming their body against me (guys, girls really don't like that) la de da. well i should go. i need to do the albuteral run and we don't have 1ml syringes left and no one made any today, so i need to draw some up. plus i got two cases while farting around on here that i need to toxical. i'll be off til monday. peace and love my friends.

finally...

today was a good day. really how long has it been since i've said that?!?! i went to breakfast with vince...didn't really feel like eating (still kinda feeling green) we talked and snuggled and hugged and damn it felt great. we both just escaped our problems for a little while. it felt so great. it was just us. i live for that moment. i even wore my stinky shoes for him, he was VERY happy. i had to hide them though after i took them off. didn't want him to steal them. we talked about how his mom made refferance to us being married. like she was expecting it. it made me feel good. kinda like she wanted to happen. then when i was going to sleep he came and tucked me in his bed and talked for awhile. we talked about his nephews and parenting. i told him what a great father he would be. before we were teasing, he's just like let's have twins. twin little girls. we talked and laughed about that too. it was so nice just to kinda get away from reality for awhile. we said that he was so happy with me and he's sorry that we've had difficult times. i told him knowing that he loves me is all i need to stand besides him forever. for better or worse...it's what you do when you love someone. i feel so warm and mushy! it was good to see him when i did today. it's a little part of time i'm going to lock inside and cherish :)

oh my goodness...oh my goodness

what a night! what a day! It started like this...i called vince to see if i could meet him later at his parents. i needed to see him. we decided to go to breakfast tomorrow (which is already today) and he ad to go so i said i'll see you later. the rental people called about the key AGAIN! they said that my apartment manager has is and all i have to do is knock on her door. well shit on me the weeks later i still don't have the key cause the bithc ain't home. (sorry i'm very annoyed) so i left a not so nice letter saying fork over the key or the lock will be cut. ever have this happen to you...you're driving along and see some one that kinda resembles someone you use to know and talk to, but lost contact with them. several hours later by chance they call you out of the blue??!? my tattoo artist called. haven't talked to him since march. i left with kinda bitter taste in my mouth from his g/f. she didn't like the fact that i was hanging around and given his track record didn't blame her. so she told me off and it wasn't really cool, so i let it go. he calls out of the blue. called info. tells me his pissed at abby and he's horny. i tell him i'm in love and happy with what i have. he just opened his own shop. i'm happy for him. he's kinda one of those guys that i couldn't really have a plutonic relationship with, because he always turns it around. i am very attracted to him and was very intrested in him, but i can have self control and would absolutely NEVER do anything to jepordize my relationship with Vince. so i guess my tattoo days are done. i think if i do end up getting my rib cage finished Vince will be at myside watching him. So i showed up at Vince's parents house with two boquets of flowers. i liked them both, so i bought them both :) he was SO shocked to see me. he was kinda out it too. his mom was sleeping and we talked for awhile. went out in the garage to watch the storms roll in. he likes that. i'm petrified of them :( oh well. then we sat in by his mom and watched her sleep. Vince was telling me that his mom woke up this morning and said "did vince get married?" and tony replied, "no.." and she goes.."oh, he didn't marry erin?" and then she asked if sue got married. and tony said "well sue is married" she got all excited and said "oh she finally got remarried?" ton was like "no, she's still married to chirs." then we was asking if her 4 and 6 year old grandchildren got married?! she's really confused. but i was flattered SO much. she woke up staring at the celine and said "you look so nice today" and vince and i looked at each other? vince said who you talking to and she looked over at us and said "oh honey you look good too." i think she has one foot in heaven and is seeing things and predicting things as well. i kissed her goodnight and left...it all fell apart then. i, ms. i'm terrified of storms drove 40 min to work in severe weather. not very happy about that. street were flooded. i hydroplaned everywhere. it just kept coming. it stormed for like 3 hours. then at work right as everyone was leaving...power failure. very scary at a hospital. of course we have back up but half our systems went down. the printers had to be reset and the suremeds freaked out. so we had to reset all of that. if that wasn't enough we got our two worst admits. two brothers on a billion different meds. it takes 5 hours to enter and fill all their meds. shitty night..it gets worse..THEN of all things, there is a fire on the sixth floor. REAL fire. i had a doctor scream at me on the poison phone. i couldn't get a hold of the toxicalogist and to top that off tow people ate amanita mushrooms! URGHH. they might die. so needless to say...tonight has been hell. i'm looking forward to leaving and going to breakfast. i must go now because i'm severely behind and shouldn't be doing this anyway, but it's the first moment to actually sit down tonight. whew!

la la la

alrighty i'm done playing for now. going to go stock er and do some work. i have so much to say..and so little time.

blah!

First of all, i'd like to thank the responses that I got from my last journal entry. it means a lot to me that people out there care. I feel a little lonely and stuck and if feels SO good when people hold out hands to hold. thank you thank you thank you!I was sick from work AGAIN last night. i woke up puking again and needless to say I don't ever want to take amoxicillin, i'd rather of dealt with the pissing razor blades :( And by the way ang..thank you so much for helping. you are the biggest sweetheart i've ever met. love you babe! (hugs)So I waited and waited and waited and then broke down. I called him around 11 or so. things were akward and silent. i blurted out "did i do anything, are you mad at me, what's going on?" all at once. diarrehea of the mouth and brain (icky icky icky) he's like "no, my mom just took a turn for the worse and i'm having a hard time dealing with it." i felt like an ass. i explained to him how i felt and how scared i was. he was just so distant, it ripped me apart. after a akward conversation i hung up and balled my eyes out. i was tired, sick, hurting, confused, and emtionally drained. mandy came home this morning. for some reason i wasn't expecting her til tuesday. i was going to munster up strength and clean today, but she came home and saw that i had trashed the place instead. i felt like an ass. it sucked. though i don't feel so bad because she's not that cleanly of a roomate and she left the place a sty. anyway...vince called around 11am. i was terrified to pick up the phone. he was better sounded. i felt better too. he was going to do some house work and head off to his parents. he invited me out for breakfast last night, but i declined on the fact that i've spent the past 5 days puking off and on. i talked to him more about what i was feeling. like i was going to end up losing him too. he told me to knock it off. (i totally deserved it too) it's like the last thing he needs. i spent the rest of the day studying and watching steven king movies. i called vince to see how his mom was when i got to work. he said really bad. she can't make sense of anything. she's really confused and when she tries to speak she can't make out the words. this frustrates her. she's refusing her meds now too, which she really needs to relax her. he said that all he could do today was look at her and cry. i just want to scoop him up in my arms to much right now. i think i'm going to try to surprise him tomorrow and see if i can go with him to his parents house before i go to work. i have to record a song for his mom's funneral. since it seems so close, we should get that done. I love this man SO much. and i know that things will be different. that right now he can't give everything he has. i will try to be more christian and patient, and understanding, and not jealous. for i have no reason to feel other wise but blessed for the people i have around me and in my life. i never thought that i'd even met his mom. it has been a priveledge and honnor to met her and his family. i think i'm at a point were i'm at terms with everything or coming to term with everything. i'm very scared and i think it's because even though i've dealt with a lot of people i've lost, they all died unexpectidly. i'm angry because i don't understand. i feel lost because even though i know God is with me, i feel that i'm not being heard...i know better than that though. i don't doubt. i just need a little reassurance every once in awhile.alrighty..i'm going to go toxical some cases. talk at you later.

i dunno what to say....

ever have that feeling like you are trying too hard at something. that you want it so much, so badly you push it away further and further. I know this is worth it, I know things will get better, but why do i feel the way i do? what is wrong with me?! I feel so damn selfish that I'd want to take a moment for myself. I feel like screaming, "don't you realize i'm living this life beside you, sacraficing everything i know, and giving you all i have to give" ever give SO much that you feel like "okay now what?" I just feel like i'm being pushed away. so...i'll push away too. maybe that's his way of dealing with it. i'm not going over there in the morning and i'm not going to call to see if he will. i'm not angry or upset, but i feel like maybe he needs the time and space and that's okay too. He had a shity day at work. the computer hard drive crashed at work. he lost everything, including the video he's been working on for over a year for his mom's funeral. he's got a rough copy of it, but there were still a lot of changes to be made on it. he wanted to add one picture in particular with me and his family in it. All the other pictures have suzanne in them. plus he had other fin tuning to do. now he might not be able to retrive any of it. all his hard work just gone. I can't believe he'd just save it to the hard drive. i just can't believe that he wouldn't back that up. i hope so much that he can get that back. he was short with me on the phone for the past few days..i was like..okay..i'll talk to you some other time then. that sucks. man i'm SO selfish. sometimes i wish i wouldn't take things so damn personally. why am I so insecure. i blame brad for it all..but should i be looking inward instead? yea i dated a lying cheating backstabing no good spinless bastard for 5 years. everything that ever came out of that guy was a lie. he cheated so many times..and i kept going back. yea i am insecure...but he's this wonderful guy that it could be SO great with. am I creating stress there because that's what i'm used to? He's just so sensitive about things and so am I..ad combination? I try so hard to be patient and just go along with whatever he wants and needs and don't put much regard in my needs or wants..but i'm burning thin. i just don't want him to freak out in the end and say..this won't work out. I don't think it will happen though...he says he loves me. he says i make him happy, that he wouldn't be able to get through all this with out me. I know that i'm important to him. i just hope he knows how desperately i love him back. i try to show it all the time..maybe its and over kill. i'm so pathetic. i'll give him the space and let him make the call..ball's in his court. ...i hate waiting. I prayed that God would make me stronger, and he gave me problems to make me strong. I pray that God would help me be more patient, and I'm waiting for anwsers. I'm waiting for death, I'm waiting for understanding, I'm waiting to see if all this is what truly is meant to be. I need guidence. I'm afraid. I want to change time and I can't. So what if I marry him. he'll never have that moment with his mom to say "she's the one i'm going to marry, i'm going to ask for her hand" She said a few weeks ago, "when you get married I want to be there...put a rose next to your father in my rememberance" I cried so hard. the last night i was there Vince held his mom as she said "i'm so proud of you" His powerful arms wrapped around her frail bended body. I kissed her and said how lucky i was and how blessed i was to know her and her family. how lucky i was to be loved by him. she said "stop, i'm going to cry..and I can't cry." she'll never know our children. she'll never come over and nag me about the house not being clean enough, or the way i cook something. it's not fair. we talk about marriage, but then it's so two sided. he's retiring in 16 years. he's not quite ready to settle down. but seems that he's never been alone. "should I kix up the house?" he asks, "or save it to build what I want in 16 years" "i wanna travel the country when I retire" "i'd be missing out if i didn't get married and have kids" "i don't want to take you away from you life" i just don't know what to think. i want a future with him. i just hope that he wants the same. i need to stop thinking....ughghgh.i'm going to do work. i should be doing that anyway.

ack!

Okay...I know i haven't updated in a long time with anything of substance, but i was off for a week and then I got sick, so i went home early and missed one night, so i'm sorry for all of you just clinging to the edge of your seats to hear about my wonderfully facinating life...NOT!Alrighty..anyway. Last weekend was AMAZING! Vince and I went to Michigan. traffic was great, we relaxed in the sun, went water skiing, tubing, swiming, we drank, we ate, we snuggled, i got the mom and dad dose I needed, i got to meet my niece and see all the other relatives i've missed so much, it just fucking rocked! I was sad to leave though, and coming back sucked. I was tired, didn't feel like driving, pissed my parents were leaving, and sad that we didn't get to spend more time out there. Vince and I got into it and didn't speak 1/2 of michigan, through indiana, all through chicago, and most of illionois. *I get very very quiet when i'm angry, then i throw things* finally he leaned over and kissed me and we talked about it. the rest of the weekend was great. we went to his mom's the next day. It was cold out! We grabbed sweat shirts and snuggled up on the recliner outside in the sun and fell alseep. that moment was so perfect! then we cut the grass and Vince cleaned out my car for me *swoons* The rest of the week went down hill. I got sick with a bladder infection. my first and hopefully last ever. i do not enjoy pissing like razors and peeing blood every 2 seconds. not only that but i spent last night puking my brains out. i'm not enjoying this at all! hopefully it will be gone soon. So my storage key saga continues. Assholes from my management company decide to cut our lock off our storage unit and put their own on there and then charge us. um..dickheads..we've had that for the last year and a half and you are just doing something about it now! So i need to get in there. and for the past three weeks i have been calling to stupid idoits at this rental company telling them i need the key. first they were going to put it under the door, then they mailed us something saying here is the key, send us your check..but NO FUCKING KEY! then i called and said, hey i'll bring the check in the morning you give me the key. then they called back saying, oh..sorry mr. dickhead is on vacation til monday, we'll call back then. UUUGGHHHH!!!! i'm just going to cut off their lock and say look, i've been telling you for three weeks now i needed that key like oh say last fricken month. i'm pissed. what if carol dies...how the heck am i going to give here that angel or get my dress out of there for her funeral? Okay i feel better now...i'm going to go toxical some cases and come back. there is a lot more i wanna say.

I don't like peeing in a cup!

ICUP! I have bladder infection..possibly kidney stones. I WANT TO DIE! it hurts SOOOOO bad. I'm done with the list so i'm going to bug out of here early...i hope. I have so much to write, but my bladder won't let me type long. (sobs) (doing the pee pee dance)

going home....

One more hour....yay! i hate the morning crew here, so i'm trying to hide. Shh...! well i took a poison case and of course they needed to go to the er. the girl would hardly tell me anything on the phone. then a few hours later, paratech ambulance calls me and i got more info and AGAIN advised to go to er. they showed up in house up stairs. (for everyone that doesn't know what that means...in house means our hospital, were located in the basement of children's hospital in the pharmacy) i went up to er to re-stock and talked with the paramedics. funny how people don't listen t your advise. they just call wanted to hear.."it'll be okay" and when we say "no, it's not okay," people freak out. i like the power of my job, i just wish i made more. well i've gotta fly. gotta sleep and do laundryand sometime today meet up with the Vinman. Okayloveyoububye. ....i really need to get more sleep.

people in wisconsin scare me

alrighty...i work in the poison control center. i save lives, i laugh with people, at them when their not on the phone too, i get creepy calls all the time, and i hear from plan ass lunitics. no relation to the crazy freaks like myselftonight i get this call from this guy asking for the address of the poison center. the conversation went some what like this:me: poison center can I help you?dude: i need the poison centerme: this is the poison center, can I help you?dude: i need the nearest poison center.me: what city are you calling from sir?dude: milwaukeeme: this is milwaukee, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?dude: what's the address?me: why do you need the address sir?dude: because I need to come there.me: sir we do not treat people here, we triage them to find out how serious their exposure and direct them to the nearest health facility if they need medical attention. do you think you have been poisoned?dude: i would not be able to tell that.me: what are you symtpoms?dude: i would not know that.me: have you been exposed to something?dude: thank you and hangs up and okay dude has really scary serial killer voice and the whole time i'm thinking..oh shit they found me. just kidding but hey it was the freakiest call i've ever gotten. and by the way if you are going to have anal sex, DON'T use body wash as a lubricant. shakes her head sadlyI was feeling really icky when I came to work, but a pop tart later and i don't feel as crappy. Alrighty the big awaited moment FINALLY happened today. Vince ACTUALLY met the rents today. I was nervous for him and them. It was cool everything went well. My mom brought up his mom right away. He's was appreciative of that. We were talking later, and he told me that he doesn't like when people avoid the topic, especially when they know. I just wasn't expecting my mom to bring it up right away. Then we talked about traffic and traveling and weather and all that small talk bullshit. It was good. I think they really liked him and he seemed to like them too. he eve told them maybe we WILL go to michigan for a day on the weekend. I'm really not going to get my hopes up though. I got e-mail from from friend Dave tonight. he just set up a new web page. i hit the site and found links to a lot of other people I know. it was cool kinda seeing what they are all doing after high school and shit. It's cool that people are actaully going out and following their dreams. I'd be doing that if i had the money. i'm just on hold for a little while. i'll do it though. everyone around me is getting engaged though..that's kinda wierd. well i'm going to go for now. maybe i'll right more later. if not probably talk to you in a week. laterz........

ack!

I finally got to see my parents. I got there and no more than two minutes they were at each other's throats. Both of them were as mean as they come...i was thinking..why the hell do i break my neck to see them if they are going to be like this? Anyway, Vince and I are meeting them for lunch today. Well see how they are. I got great pictures of my niece and nephew. I swear I'm related to the most beautiful family in the world. [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<yes [...] i'm>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]I finally got to see my parents. I got there and no more than two minutes they were at each other's throats. Both of them were as mean as they come...i was thinking..why the hell do i break my neck to see them if they are going to be like this? Anyway, Vince and I are meeting them for lunch today. Well see how they are. I got great pictures of my niece and nephew. I swear I'm related to the most beautiful family in the world. <yes i'm bias> One more night of hell! I'm going to try to find another job this week. i have to get some more money. my dad is going to help out on my insurance payment. i finally sent my car payment. hopefully the bank will unfreeze my account. I wanted to get my roomate something for her b-day, but they wouldn't take my check <pouts> I do have some money in there..it just all needs to go to bills. i'm so tired of being stressed out about money though. maybe if I become a stripper for a few weeks, i'll catch up and then i can quit <NOT!> people would pay me to put my clothes on. The other night this man at the hospital commented on my shoes. i KNOW he's got to have a foot thing. I was secretely dying inside. I just wanted to blurt out "do you want to suck them and be my foot slave" luckily i didn't though. A lot of guys notice my feet. I never knew just how many of them out there like toes until i met Vince. And let me tell you women..you haven't lived until you've made a grown man crawl to you in order to suck on your toes. Ahh...the power of being a woman :) So have you ever farted out of your crotch? It's a wierd thing. Just thought I'd tell you that. <laughs all embarrassed> I wrote Carol a poem today. it's really hard because i'm so down, but want to be hopefully. it's like listening to the teletubbies theme song when all you really want to do is bash your head into the wall. I have a lot of mixed up feelings. i'm so stressed out. i'm happy but i'm not. i think once i greive the death of Carol and things kinda get back to normal and i'm a little more finacially secure i'll be fine. i'm just afraid of how Vince will react after his mom is gone. If he's going to pull away or if we'll be stronger. i'd be devestated if things went differetly. there is so much i want to show him. <sigh> I did have a whole boat load of stuff i wanted to say..but i'm brain dead at the moment. I actually got sleep and look what it does to me. go figure. blah. anway..peace..i'm outie!

la de da

well i DIDN'T get to see my parents today. I guess my nephew was really sick, so amy and todd took him to the doctor. they called at the last minute and cancelled. i was SO bumbed. I bought Vince a card to say thanks for "driving" me out there to see my parents and it didn't even happen. That's okay. He was talking to me and said that I should go to michigan to see them. I told him that i'm not. I talked to my dad and he said that because everyone was so sick there that he thinks him and mom are going to get a hotel near milwaukee, so maybe sometime during the week i could get by them. That made me very very happy. I talked to Vince after I got up at 7 pm, he said that he's like to go on tuesday. So when I called my sister to talk to my parents..she was like well their in brookfield. I guess they left and got a hotel already. I talked to my sister and she told me that she was pregnant again! she was going to tell me in michigan, but since i'm not going...she told me on the phone. i called my dad then on the cell phone and i'm going to see them tomorrow morning for breakfast and then on tuesday they'll get to meet the man of my dreams...VINCE!!! I can't wait. tomorrow will be so great because i can get some one on one time with my parents which is what i need so badly. So i guess i was bummed to start out my day and it ended pretty okay. so i'm going off to do work now.

yawn....!

well i am going to see my parents tomorrow. at first i didn't think it was going to work out. my nephew and all the kids that my sister watches came down with this nasty 7 day stomach flu. icky! so i obviously didn't want to go out there. so mom and pop are meeting us half way. it's the first time Vince will get to meet them. I am still bummed out about michigan, but i'll live. this way if I don't get out to arizona in november, i atleast got to see them for the second time this year. it really sucks when the one's you love are so damn far away.work tonight has been kinda hecktic, but i'm surviving. tomorrow night should be a really bad one. one of our regular pharmasist in on vacation so we have other ones filling in for us. stacy has been here the last three nights and she's doing a good job. she got called to a trama/code in er while denis was in picu, so it kinda got a little crazy tonight. i had to page the toxicalogist for one of my cases. i always feel so bad about waking him up. anyway, tomorrow we don't have stacy..so we'll see how things are going to go. i got this beautiful e-mail from a friend of mine named Jeremy today. he's been reading my journal and gives me some hope and encuragement from time to time. i really appreciated it. he's going through some changes and some hefty monsters himself. it's nice when people tell you they care. thanks hon! it means the world. well i don't have too much else to say except that i'm tired and happy i get to see my parents tomorrow. Vince is he most wonderful person on this planet to bring me there to see them. I love that man :) talk to you sooner than later [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i [...] saying.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]well i am going to see my parents tomorrow. at first i didn't think it was going to work out. my nephew and all the kids that my sister watches came down with this nasty 7 day stomach flu. icky! so i obviously didn't want to go out there. so mom and pop are meeting us half way. it's the first time Vince will get to meet them. I am still bummed out about michigan, but i'll live. this way if I don't get out to arizona in november, i atleast got to see them for the second time this year. it really sucks when the one's you love are so damn far away.work tonight has been kinda hecktic, but i'm surviving. tomorrow night should be a really bad one. one of our regular pharmasist in on vacation so we have other ones filling in for us. stacy has been here the last three nights and she's doing a good job. she got called to a trama/code in er while denis was in picu, so it kinda got a little crazy tonight. i had to page the toxicalogist for one of my cases. i always feel so bad about waking him up. anyway, tomorrow we don't have stacy..so we'll see how things are going to go. i got this beautiful e-mail from a friend of mine named Jeremy today. he's been reading my journal and gives me some hope and encuragement from time to time. i really appreciated it. he's going through some changes and some hefty monsters himself. it's nice when people tell you they care. thanks hon! it means the world. well i don't have too much else to say except that i'm tired and happy i get to see my parents tomorrow. Vince is he most wonderful person on this planet to bring me there to see them. I love that man :) talk to you sooner than later <i hate that saying. this guy i used to see always said that and it bugged the hell out of me>

fly, fly, do not fear....

Ever hear a song that just makes you go weak instantly because it reminds you of something or someone. tonight on the way into work i heard the song that ends the video Vince made for his mom's funneral. my bottom lip started quivering and my eyes instantly welted up with tears. It's so hard knowning. I wish sometimes I didn't know what I did. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. Climb up on a pedastal were everything was perfect and loving and not hurting...I wish, I wish, I wish. I think about how lucky I am and then I think about all the things I wish I had. Knowing that I will never get what I always want, but will always have what I need. I'm at such a cross road in my life. Where to go, what to do, how to get there. I know I want to be with Vince, but is that really going to happen. Sometimes I secretely imagine it will. It's like the Jerry Maguire ending were the chick says.."i did this, I pretended it was real." If it doesn't, then i'll move on, but i'm giving so much, i don't want to believe it's something sureal. I'm frustrated. I'm hurting. I'm angry. I'm sad. I don't understand why people we love leave. I don't understand why it's so damn hard to be happy. there are anwsers....but they aren't in this world. I wish to heal the pain. to make her walk again. to wipe away the tears. to comfort her fear. to give her my breath. to hold her hand. so show her i love her. i wish i was dying instead. I wish i could say the right thing to help the moment. to hold him tight. to hold his hand. to help his heart. It's cold here....I have a lot of feelings racing around. I just want them to be okay, for it all to be okay.

whew!

So much has happened since last wednesday. Thursday a bunch of us went to Zoo al a carte. IT SUCKED. Not only was Vince completely stressed to the max but his friend was raggin on him the whole night, then it like fuckign poured on us. Finally I got fed up and told his friend off that was annoying him. We all left and went back to this other guy's house and went in the hot tub. That was cool. It was Angela, Scotty, Vince and I. It was raining outside and we're just chilling in the hot tub. Vince totally relaxed after that. So friday morning I have a doctor's appointment that totally pissed me off. I was suppose to pick up hours at work, but by time I got there they didn't need me. I had so many things I wanted checked by the md and they didn't do anything but talk to me because I was a new patient. I've got to go back in october when they get my medical records sent over. BLAH! Anyway, Saturday was amazing. Vince and I went to his parents early in the morning to drop off breakfast. His mom was up sitting at the kitchen table with her hair and make-up done. We both nearly fainted when we saw her there. She wanted to play dice, so we did and she beet the pants off us all. Then she went to bed. I helped cut the grass on the tractor for the frist time [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<woohoo!>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]So much has happened since last wednesday. Thursday a bunch of us went to Zoo al a carte. IT SUCKED. Not only was Vince completely stressed to the max but his friend was raggin on him the whole night, then it like fuckign poured on us. Finally I got fed up and told his friend off that was annoying him. We all left and went back to this other guy's house and went in the hot tub. That was cool. It was Angela, Scotty, Vince and I. It was raining outside and we're just chilling in the hot tub. Vince totally relaxed after that. So friday morning I have a doctor's appointment that totally pissed me off. I was suppose to pick up hours at work, but by time I got there they didn't need me. I had so many things I wanted checked by the md and they didn't do anything but talk to me because I was a new patient. I've got to go back in october when they get my medical records sent over. BLAH! Anyway, Saturday was amazing. Vince and I went to his parents early in the morning to drop off breakfast. His mom was up sitting at the kitchen table with her hair and make-up done. We both nearly fainted when we saw her there. She wanted to play dice, so we did and she beet the pants off us all. Then she went to bed. I helped cut the grass on the tractor for the frist time <woohoo!> It was fun. Then I went to the basement and recorded a song Carol <Vince's> mom wants at her funneral. When I was done she was up, so I played the tape back to her. She was pleased. Then we put her in the wheelchair and took her outside. She got to see how we cut the grass and how beautiful the yard was. We picked flowers and roller her around the yard and played with bubbles. I couldn't believe it. It was just too amazing to put to words. Then she went to lay down for a nap and Vince and I left with happier hearts. It's one of the first time we left smiling. Sunday Carol woke up all disoriented. She didn't know anyone or what was going on. She woke up screaming "I'M DYING!" It was really frightening. It's as if the cancer seeped into her brain that night. It's so sad. That night I cooked Vince a big steak dinner. I cut his grass and helped him with some stone. I let him take more pictures of me. <giggles> Monday I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, windows, the fridge, garbage. I just didn't want Vince to worry about anything. I met him at the accademy and we went to his parents. Tuesday SUCKED! I met Vince at the accademy and he was getting a game of horse together with the guys. His buddy that I got into the fight with was there. Vince licked them all and we left. I talked to him about michigan and decided that we weren't going. I know he wants me to, but I just can't. I can't bare the thought of being there without him. But I know I need to see my parents too. I'm SO torn. I lost it. I had such a bad headache and he was in such a crappy mood. I called my parents that night and told them I wasn't coming. I lost it on the phone. I just can't be strong all the time. Sometimes I need to get out what I have to say and feel too. I feel very stretched thin and in the middle of everything. I'm constantly feeling like i'm letting everyone down all the time. I miss my parents and was looking forward to this SO much. Bu I can see them some other time. Right now I need to do what's best for Vince and his family. I went to cedarburg that day too. I needed to find out if Liz was really dead, so I went to the cemetary. Sure enough real life tradic romeo and juliet story, burried side by side. lovers for eternal life. i still have no words for that.... So this morning I woke up still down and pissed off. I left early and went home. I needed to be alone. I walked into a huge mess at my apartment. What does my roomate do? I'm so fucking tired of cleaning up after people! <screams> I sobbed as I did her dishes and vacuumed and picked up cat hair and scrubbed the bathroom and gathered garbage. I screamed at the cats and felt better, then fell alseep for awhile. Vince called and woke me up. He's taking comp time in the morning so we can do breakfast. It's sweet of him. I do love that man with all my heart and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes i need to learn not to throw him up on such a high pedastal that even I can't reach him. It will get better, we are all just suffering, and it makes me lose ground and faith, and it makes me very angry, but I understand it's not in my hands. I will obey the force in which I can not see, and continue to ask for His hand in mercy. Now i'm at work. i'm tired. I want to go to bed. i need a new job. i feel stuck...waiting...waiting...waiting.

i see the light!

well 20 min and i'm out of this dungeon. I'll probablly be back on friday, since i have to come in during the day. I haven't working the am shift since feburary. btw-if you're looking for an intresting and most oddly amuzing journal to read go to: I hate richard the mailman's journal.people like him call the poison center every night! DOH!Anyway..good night! Time to mingle with the monsters under the bed. MUUAHHHAHHHAHHAHAHA.

yawn

i feel like i have bricks chained down to the abyss of my fricken eye lids...I'M TRIED DAMN IT! AUGHHH.......I've also had too much soda which isn't doing squat! I talk to my friend Jeremy tonight. I logged on and he was there. He just got back from Alaska. He called me from his cell phone in Canada and told me he couldn't make my b-day :P But i understand. Alaska and Canada are a lot more exciting than a stupid party. I think I'm seriously going to look for a new job. I'm just so burned out. I know that a lot of people here want to leave. It's a good job, just that no one listens when problems need to be fixed. We can't afford that here..people die..it's a hosptial. We just spent all this money for a new computer system and isn't doing what it's marketed for. We have 3 different computer systems and none of them talk to each other. This new one is seriously going to cause someone to die. The administration was suppose to decide 5 times now to dump this pile of shit program, and still we are messing around with it. The printer went down for 4 hours today and it took us 4 hours to get I.S to come do something about it. Anyway, no one has the balls to say or do anything about this damn system. The main problem here is that the big guys don't take stock in what we have to say. If there is a problem they come in observe for 10 min, come up with some rediculous solution and make things worse. The other problem is that they ask other people for their opinion about problems when they don't pertain to the people they are asking. They should be talking to the people that deal with it and know what the hell is going on. Don't ask outsiders...it's like asking a two year old what the meaning of life is?!?! Okay i feel better. This week has just been hell. work is no longer fun here..time to move on. hopefully make more money too. I talked to Jeremy about working were he does. He's making PHAT cash. It would solve a few problems if I could get a 9-5 job with weekends off. wishful thinging eh! :P My tricepts are sore from working out today. I've lost 15 pounds since I dumped dickhead but i wanna lose about 10 more. plus i started gaining some back. trying though...Vince wants lose wieght too. I think he's beautiful though. Well i'm going to go play for awhile...i wish i could take a nap Zzzz...

WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 more hours of work. YAY! I'm picking up extra hours on friday morning though. This way I'll compensate for my blunder of not being paid for a week. I called the bank today. They are going to let me pay my car payment in two weeks. I went grocery shopping today..on the little money I have. I think I have about $6 left. I can't believe I made that mistake. I scrap it enough as it is, but now i'm out $900 big ones. Like like my rent, car, insurance, phone, electric, and spending all in one. Lesson learned the hard way I guess. I tried to sleep at home today. My roomate turned off the air conditioner again! I walked in and nearly fainted it was so hot. I'ts like 91 and humid plus i live on the 5th floor. I put the air on and turned on the fans, but then the cat wanted to play and I was like..ok..it's almost 11am...I need sleep, my head is pounding. I got up threw some clothes on and went to Vince's. He suprised me by coming home at 6pm. He got his hair cut. I couldn't see it in the dark, but I snuggled up next to him and went to brush his hair back and could feel it was all shaved in the back. I'm spending the day with him tomorrow. He's got off. Thursday a bunch of us are going to Zoo al a carte. He's getting his friemen buddies together and I'm bringing Angela and Mandy. I'm looking forward to it. Not too much else is going on. I'm going to head off to work. talk to you in a week. maybe friday but I doubt it. nighterz!

icky!

I feel icky. My throat hurts and my tummy is doing summersaults. I just wanna crawl into bed...but i've got 2 and half more hours to go. I've got tons of shit to do at home too. i need to do laundry, grocery shopping, call the bank and the phone company. blah. I want this night to end. My pharmasist is being a jerk and it makes it worse.

Happy Tuesday!

It's tuesday morning...and the only thing keeping me going is knowing tonight is my last night of work I'm sitting here scarfing down a sandwhih from the coffee shop because I didn't have time to eat today. I was too busy sleeping. I slept at Vince's again today. He's got such a great sleeping house. He puts cardboard in the windows so no light gets in. Plus he's got central air conditioning, so sleeping during the day is prime at his place. when ever I try to sleep at my wherehouse loft I contend with my roomate, her two cats, the thin walls, being down town in the city, and every telemarketer that ever existing calling every 2 min. I'd unplug the phone but I can't with Vince's mom doing bad. I gave him that personal add that I cut out in the paper. I just left it on the kitchen counter. He called me at work laughing. He thinks I should respond to the add. I told him we should set it up to meet him in a bar to find out who he is. Like tell him I look like so and so and i'll be wearing this and this and then go completely different just to see. he kinda likes watching other people get turned on by me. It's like a power he has knowing I'm going home with him...or something. I duno..it's just fun to pretend and mess with people sometimes. I don't mean that in the cruel way either. We've planned to finish the stone around Vince's house on wednesday. It's looking so nice already. Just a little bit more around the hot tub and it will be done. I'd like to help him on the rest of his house, but that will have to wait until after his mom passes. There just isn't enough time. Well, I'm going to check my e-mail now. I'll come back later...maybe.

home

well it's time for bed. i'm outie. i get to fight traffic now. BLAH. going home to the monsters under the bed. maybe one will bite

lol

so my birhtday party was a theme kinda thing. it was suppose to be gangster/flapper/ whatever. and i go and get this killer outfit. my b/f has a foot fetish and i bought these break your neck 6 inch red opened toed porno looking shoes that were just too yummy to pass up. so i get the picture developed today and bring them into work and people are freaking about the shoes...and i said "yeah, they're like porno shoes" and she said "yea come fuck me sandals" I laughed so hard. coming from miss little goody/goody. i've heard of fmb's and own a few pairs...but i'm really liking the cfm's. one other thing..going back to the foot fetish thing. so my co-worker/good friend is reading this local milwaukee new paper and for shits and giggles is skiming the personals and she happens to come across and add that reads: Foot FetishesVery attractive, clean-cut SWM, 33, 6'2, 174lbs, with fetishes for legs, feet, stocking, pantyhose, heels. Seeking open-minded sexy SF, 18-50, race open. For fun times. Milwaukee area.this fits the description of my b/f perfectly. I'm hoping it's a coincidence! I cut it out and am going to show him. I'll leave it on his bed this a note like "wanna explain something" ;) We like to joke around like that. I should respond to the add and tell the guy to get leg world.

Not the brightest crayon in the box

I'm dumb! Plain and stupid. I thought I had paid personal time left at work because they approved a week vacation And so my pay check was only $35 this week..and I'm thinking something isn't right...well I come to find out that I didn't have any time left so I wasn't paid my week off. had I known that I would have never taken vacation. DUMB DUMB DUMB! SO i have $35 dollar to live off of for two weeks. This is NOT a good thing :_( Hopefully the bank will let me have an extention on my car payment. If not I'll have to flee the country. I got to see Vince again today I guess there's always something to look forward to that makes you smile. he's definately it. I got my birhday pictures developed today. There's one of us extremely frame worthy. It's one of those...it's so cute it would make you barf pictures :D I'm at work it sucks. Not as bad as last night. I seriously thought about blowing my head off last night. At the end of this month my parents are flying in and are going to meet Vince for the first time. We're all going to Michigan to my aunt and uncle's summer home. It's so beautiful there. I keep day dreaming about water skiing and relaxing by the water. I think Vince needs a little r&r too. Things have been so bad with his mom dying. He needs a little escape. It's hard to be working and have so much going on in your life outside of work. I literally work and sleep on my on week. It's 7 ten and a half hour nights in a row. There just ins't time for anything else when I'm working. I need to get a second job too, but I won't do it becuase he needs me and I want to be there for him. Maybe after his mom passes away, which will be very soon. Anyway...I've got things to do that i'm procrastinating and my pharmasist keeps giving me dirty looks. Nighterz!

Confused!?!?!?

Okay so like the phone company double charges me two phone bills. I just recently moved to all the bills are at a caotic stand point. Here is the messed up situtation. I moved in with my brother's ex girlfriend. They had been living in the apartment, they parted ways, she moved out, he stayed. Well my darling, wonderful, sweet, loving, brother has been buring all his bridges lately. He got involed with this movie guy or something and quit all his jobs to follow him and stopped paying all his bills because he swears this wonder guy is paying him..inactuality he's screwing him over and owes him tons of money. So my brother is like in the dog house big time and people have been trying to help him out, but he keeps screwing up. So anyway..back to my point if i was making one...my brother can't afford the apartment anymore and calls his ex begging for her to come back so that he could go out of arizona by my parents and save some money and she could stay at the apartment and keep his stuff there. Mandy couldn't afford it on her own and I was looking for a roomate..so we decided to give it a go. So now the world if confused because I live there now...people can't understand the concept that my brother and i have the same last name and stuff. Plus get this...i just bought a honda civic. Mandy just bought a honda civic and my brother just started selling cars for honda..the same place both mandy and I bought our cars. plus my lease in is in my father's name because I co-signed and both my father and brother's name is the same. Confused yet? So then the other thing bothering me is that I just had off a week at work. We get paid personal leave for vacation. It's not the same as regular pay and I don't get the shift differental, but being paid to leave is great. So I'm suppose to get paid on friday and my checking account is over drawn $5 bucks and I call the bank to see how much I have now...and for some reason I only got paid $35 dollars last week. So like um..soemthing is MAJORALLY!!!!!! screwed up..and I'm kinda stressing. I live in a soap opera by the way...[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<not [...] couldn't>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]Okay so like the phone company double charges me two phone bills. <growl> I just recently moved to all the bills are at a caotic stand point. Here is the messed up situtation. I moved in with my brother's ex girlfriend. They had been living in the apartment, they parted ways, she moved out, he stayed. Well my darling, wonderful, sweet, loving, <insert sarcasim here> brother has been buring all his bridges lately. He got involed with this movie guy or something and quit all his jobs to follow him and stopped paying all his bills because he swears this wonder guy is paying him..inactuality he's screwing him over and owes him tons of money. So my brother is like in the dog house big time and people have been trying to help him out, but he keeps screwing up. So anyway..back to my point if i was making one...my brother can't afford the apartment anymore and calls his ex <mandy> begging for her to come back so that he could go out of arizona by my parents and save some money and she could stay at the apartment and keep his stuff there. Mandy couldn't afford it on her own and I was looking for a roomate..so we decided to give it a go. So now the world if confused because I live there now...people can't understand the concept that my brother and i have the same last name and stuff. Plus get this...i just bought a honda civic. Mandy just bought a honda civic and my brother just started selling cars for honda..the same place both mandy and I bought our cars. plus my lease in is in my father's name because I co-signed <having no credit of course> and both my father and brother's name is the same. Confused yet? So then the other thing bothering me is that I just had off a week at work. We get paid personal leave for vacation. It's not the same as regular pay and I don't get the shift differental, but being paid to leave is great. So I'm suppose to get paid on friday and my checking account is over drawn $5 bucks and I call the bank to see how much I have now...and for some reason I only got paid $35 dollars last week. So like um..soemthing is MAJORALLY!!!!!! screwed up..and I'm kinda stressing. I live in a soap opera by the way...<not like you couldn't tell> Anyway...I got to see Vince today <my fireman, drop dead gorgeous, love of my life>. It's been about 5 days since we've seen each other because of my work schedule. We went out for breakfast this morning. He's really into "starting the day off right with breakfast" and all I wanted to do was sleep..but I got to see him :) <drool> Well it's taken 5 hours to write this because work has been hell and i still have a boat load of things to do. so..i'm signing off. :(

I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go!

Well I'm at work :( I work at a hospital on the darkside <3rd shift> It's kinda slow and my lack of motivation kinda disgusts me. I'm a pharmacy tech and a poison control specialist. Basically I'm a drug dealer that saves lives...pretty ironic? I suppose you should all know what's in my head lately. I just recently started dating the man of my dreams...problem is his mom is going to die anyday now. Needless to say it's not a very happy start the the relationship, however something tells me that it was meant to be this way. Every have the feeling that when something happens good or bads that sometimes it was willed to be? Does that make sense. Like things are sometimes just too wierd to understand, but you know deep inside no matter how many times you fail to explain it, it exists and grows in your heart. In the past I've been a little too open with people that were careless with my heart and feelings. It's made me an easy target to those that didn't deserve to laugh at my dreams. Though I've learned and grown, and it makes me the strong person I am today. Sometimes I feel cheated and jaded, but then I realize how lucky I am to have what I do and have expierenced what I have. Anyway...I've got go do some work now. I suppose that is a good places to start and a good place to leave off.